At some point in the life of a parent, he or she will
(hopefully) have a conversation about sex with his or her child. This is
frequently a terrifying experience for a parent as parents believe that this
conversation will dictate whether the child
will have a healthy sex life or not. Effective communication WITH (as opposed
to ‘at’) children about sex and other things does have a strong influence on
how functional those dimensions are in a child’s life. This blog, however, is
not about that initial conversation. This is about the little things that come
up in everyday life where a parent has to set boundaries because the children
are not old enough for one thing or another.
In many households the discussion about which activities,
words, and movies are appropriate or inappropriate has happened already or is
happening right now. Often we as parents portray this as, “those are bad things
(or not good for you) that you can’t do until you’re older”.
A child once asked me why his parents were allowed to watch
movies with violence and cursing but he was not. It’s an awesome question and
here is why: We work so hard at making sure our children are living within the
boundaries that have been established in their lives. Those boundaries might be
set by us, their parents, by their school, or by other authorities in their
lives. Then all of a sudden when our child reaches some point where we feel
like we’ve lost control then he is allowed to do all these sorts of things that
we have told her are bad. I suggest that the message we are sending is that you
have to behave, work hard, have morals, refrain from bad things, etc. until you
are 18 or so and then it’s a free for all of debauchery with no self-control
necessary. In other words, “be good until you’re 18 then you can be as bad as
the devil.”
I have found in my work that people are afraid to impose
their own boundaries without backing them up with some external source. If you
don’t know what I’m talking about just call customer service of your least
favorite airline and they will say, “I’m sorry but our system does not allow us
to do anything that would make your life even marginally easier.” Instead of
just saying, “I don’t want to help you, even though I could, I’m just not going
to.”
In my experience parents do this as well. In spite of all of
the self-help books and amazing blogs by Ari Hoffman that you have read, there
are extremely few hard and fast rules to parenting or life at all. Parents can
establish boundaries based on what they think they are supposed to do or they
can take a step back and think about it. Have you ever asked yourself why you
don’t allow your child to swear? Or why you don’t allow your child to watch
violent movies? Or why you would make your child cover her eyes during a
semi-erotic scene that seems to fill PG-13 movies nowadays?
Instead of just saying what you remember your parents
saying, think about it. Why make these boundaries? Is it possible that a lot of
these things are not bad? Maybe they’re even good, but maybe they’re not good
for kids? Maybe your kids who still lack life experience, are still learning
good decision making skills, are working on being a little less impulsive, are
not ready for the stuff that we as adults allow ourselves to enjoy. These
things are not bad. They’re good. They just might not be good for everyone.
Just like I can very safely sip a shot of Laphroiag but should be careful about
playing video games because if I owned a video game system my family would
never see me again, so too someone else can buy an Xbox but doesn’t drink
because he knows that one shot might quickly lead to an unhealthy amount.
Good decisions are made, not because everyone else made the
same one and so should I. No, good decisions are made with consideration and
attention.
Photo credit: RetinaFunk |
So I call out to you, my fellow parents, you will contribute
to your children's dysfunctions and you will contribute to their most beautiful
qualities. Make your parenting decisions with intention and exercise them with
confidence. There is no need to say that “smoking weed on New Years Eve is bad
and so I’m allowed to and you’re not because you’re a child.” Rather, “when you
are older and have more wisdom and experience then you can make your own
decisions too, and for now I make decisions for you and I want you to have more
life experience and wisdom before you get baked.”
If you or someone you know might benefit from working with
me on increasing your confidence and efficacy as a parent, you can contact me
by phone at 303-803-4832 or email at arihoffmanlpc@gmail.com.
I look forward to hearing from you and happy new year.
Yours Truly,
Ari Hoffman MA, LPC
www.arihoffmantherapy.com
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ReplyDeleteGreat post Ari. This is post brought back memories of a younger version of myself saying things like, "I'd rather my child do drugs in front of me than with other people".
ReplyDeleteTalk about ignorance. Back when I made that statement I didn't have children. I was single and enjoyed partying.
These days I'm all about keeping the body and mind clean, clear, focused and positive. I have two children: 3 months and 2 year old. I can't fathom my kids doing drugs in front or behind my back.
I would like to install good values, lead by example and show them how to be successful.
Thanks for your post! Stay in touch.
The more I learn (and experience) the less I know... I'm raising 3 Jewish kids & 3 non-Jewish and can use advice...thanks for the amazing blog. :)
ReplyDelete