Let's talk about (blank), baby. Or, "why can't I smoke weed on New Year's, mommy?"

At some point in the life of a parent, he or she will (hopefully) have a conversation about sex with his or her child. This is frequently a terrifying experience for a parent as parents believe that this conversation will dictate whether the child will have a healthy sex life or not. Effective communication WITH (as opposed to ‘at’) children about sex and other things does have a strong influence on how functional those dimensions are in a child’s life. This blog, however, is not about that initial conversation. This is about the little things that come up in everyday life where a parent has to set boundaries because the children are not old enough for one thing or another.

In many households the discussion about which activities, words, and movies are appropriate or inappropriate has happened already or is happening right now. Often we as parents portray this as, “those are bad things (or not good for you) that you can’t do until you’re older”.

A child once asked me why his parents were allowed to watch movies with violence and cursing but he was not. It’s an awesome question and here is why: We work so hard at making sure our children are living within the boundaries that have been established in their lives. Those boundaries might be set by us, their parents, by their school, or by other authorities in their lives. Then all of a sudden when our child reaches some point where we feel like we’ve lost control then he is allowed to do all these sorts of things that we have told her are bad. I suggest that the message we are sending is that you have to behave, work hard, have morals, refrain from bad things, etc. until you are 18 or so and then it’s a free for all of debauchery with no self-control necessary. In other words, “be good until you’re 18 then you can be as bad as the devil.”

I have found in my work that people are afraid to impose their own boundaries without backing them up with some external source. If you don’t know what I’m talking about just call customer service of your least favorite airline and they will say, “I’m sorry but our system does not allow us to do anything that would make your life even marginally easier.” Instead of just saying, “I don’t want to help you, even though I could, I’m just not going to.”

In my experience parents do this as well. In spite of all of the self-help books and amazing blogs by Ari Hoffman that you have read, there are extremely few hard and fast rules to parenting or life at all. Parents can establish boundaries based on what they think they are supposed to do or they can take a step back and think about it. Have you ever asked yourself why you don’t allow your child to swear? Or why you don’t allow your child to watch violent movies? Or why you would make your child cover her eyes during a semi-erotic scene that seems to fill PG-13 movies nowadays? 

Instead of just saying what you remember your parents saying, think about it. Why make these boundaries? Is it possible that a lot of these things are not bad? Maybe they’re even good, but maybe they’re not good for kids? Maybe your kids who still lack life experience, are still learning good decision making skills, are working on being a little less impulsive, are not ready for the stuff that we as adults allow ourselves to enjoy. These things are not bad. They’re good. They just might not be good for everyone. Just like I can very safely sip a shot of Laphroiag but should be careful about playing video games because if I owned a video game system my family would never see me again, so too someone else can buy an Xbox but doesn’t drink because he knows that one shot might quickly lead to an unhealthy amount.

Good decisions are made, not because everyone else made the same one and so should I. No, good decisions are made with consideration and attention.

Photo credit: RetinaFunk

So I call out to you, my fellow parents, you will contribute to your children's dysfunctions and you will contribute to their most beautiful qualities. Make your parenting decisions with intention and exercise them with confidence. There is no need to say that “smoking weed on New Years Eve is bad and so I’m allowed to and you’re not because you’re a child.” Rather, “when you are older and have more wisdom and experience then you can make your own decisions too, and for now I make decisions for you and I want you to have more life experience and wisdom before you get baked.”

If you or someone you know might benefit from working with me on increasing your confidence and efficacy as a parent, you can contact me by phone at 303-803-4832 or email at arihoffmanlpc@gmail.com.

I look forward to hearing from you and happy new year.

Yours Truly,

Ari Hoffman MA, LPC

www.arihoffmantherapy.com

In Preparation for the School Year or How to Avoid Homework-Induced Apoplectic Fits

As the summer comes to a close emotions are generated in special intensity. Children experience a formidable mixture of excitement, apprehension, and dread as the beginning of the school year draws near. A similarly potent mixture of relief and some regret is building in the hearts of parents as the knowledge that soon the days will be theirs again competes with “I can’t believe that little Sophie is going in to 5^th grade!”

In my years of working with children throughout the pages of the calendar I have noticed an interesting phenomenon. Psychopathology is often school specific. This is sad to me and it suggests that schools need to pay attention to what might be making kids crazy, or worse, what might be causing them so much pain. But that is a conversation for another time and place.

The matter at hand is what can kids and parents do now, a few days before school, to prevent the development of that pathology.

A great man, Rabbi Noach Orlowek, suggests that we prepare in advance for the crisis so then when the crisis happens we will be able to respond calmly and not be totally reactive. 

Photo Credit: Johansena16

Let’s take a page out of the book of firefighters. If you have ever been in a fire station when the alarm goes off you may have noticed that the firefighters don’t run around flapping their arms like a bunch of prepubescent girls screeching, “Fire!! Fire!!”. They calmly and quickly get their boots and pants on, grab their coats and helmets and get on the truck ready to do their jobs. This calm and proactive reaction to the alarm is the result of many hours of training and study so that when the emergency occurs they know exactly what to do and they don't panic.

It is therefore my personal and professional recommendation that parents and caregivers find a moment before school starts to initiate this type of conversation. Take your kid out for some ice cream and start like this, “Johnny, do you remember that when you get assigned homework you often have an apoplectic fit that usually ends up in one of my ornamental unicorns getting broken?”

Johnny nods with his mouth full of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

“Do you enjoy apoplectic fits?”

Johnny predictably shakes his head.

“When you’re done with your ice cream can we talk about ways you might avoid apoplectic fits and I can keep my unicorn collection intact? I’m happy to help support you but you know I can’t do it on my own because I only have apoplectic fits when my lacrosse team loses. You can only help yourself and I can support you.”

Johnny nods his head again.

A meaningful conversation ensues where you both discuss ways that Johnny might be able to proactively address his issues with homework and ways that he can effectively implement these changes in his life.

 

If you or someone you know would like support in this area please don’t hesitate to contact me.

arihoffmanlpc@gmail.com or 303-803-4832

www.arihoffmantherapy.com

Self Love

Late Wednesday evening I was sitting in a de-icing truck in the middle of Denver International Airport. We sat listening to the radio as one flight after another requested permission to taxi to the runway. We watched the airplanes rolling by and saw the passenger silhouettes in the windows as they settled back to be carried to points across the globe.

Photo Credit: Ari Hoffman

At times like that, in the safety of the small truck cab it is not uncommon for us to wax philosophic.

“Friends, love, and trust, are all very fluid concepts”, my truck mate opines.

I inhale the smell of rain and jet fuel from the open window and reply, “yes, I agree”.

So much said in so few words. I like it like that.

Here are a couple ideas about love:

As we discussed last week, self love is a prerequisite to loving someone else. Notice I didn’t say that narcissism is a prerequisite, just self love.

How do we define love in general? As my truck mate pointed out, it’s a fluid concept. So there are probably a number of definitions. One of my favorites comes from the Hebrew word for love, ahava. The root of that word is the word hav which means to give.

If I love you, I give of myself to you, physically, spiritually, emotionally. I am present to be there for you. I want you to have the best and I want to be the one to give it to you.

 How about if I love me? Same thing. I work on giving myself the best thing for me. This does not mean that I give myself the best cut of meat, the nicest car, or the tastiest spicy Cheetos. This means that I seek out opportunities for me to grow, to be a better person and to increase my quality of life.

How can I possibly know how to love someone else if I haven’t taken the time to love myself? This doesn’t mean that you should become a hermit until you figure out how to love yourself. It does, however, mean that you should watch your relationships improve as you dedicate more energy in to improving yourself.

I wanted to write about this topic after considering the verse from Leviticus mentioned in last week’s blogletter, “you should love your friend like yourself.” I thought to myself, “Ari, if you treated your friends like you treat yourself, you wouldn’t have any friends!” I can be quite hard on myself sometimes so I will extend a lesson that I’ve learned but need to review regularly:

A large part of loving yourself is recognizing your humanity and your inherent fallibility. Be gentle to yourself in your successes and your failures and you will certainly find yourself being more gentle with the people and world around you.

Finally, look at beautiful things and allow yourself to bask in that beauty, if only momentarily. Take 30 seconds and focus on that beautiful thing. Try to allow other thoughts to pass through and go out but focus on the beauty. Just try 30 seconds. I believe in you.

Love,

Ari