Spontaneity, I presume?

I was recently jones-ing for a fix of Benedict Cumberbatch in the show, “Sherlock”. I always feel smarter and more cunning after watching an episode of this screen tribute to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. As I was watching the show, I was trying to understand why I like it so much. I think the reason is, in part, because of Sherlock’s spontaneous and totally inconsiderate wit (I like the show, “House” as well, probably for the same reason.)

On the other hand, I have strong negative feelings toward the absolute lack of spontaneity exhibited by customer service representatives who read from a script. So negative, in fact, that images of heinous crimes seem to spontaneously float in to my head when I am talking to said representatives. It’s even worse when they can’t read well.

(I suppose it is ironic that both the things I enjoy and those I dislike are from a script. Feel free to analyze that and let me know what you come up with.)

The sociometric reality which we inhabit with the rest of humanity is like a jigsaw puzzle with infinite shapes, colors, pieces, and potential attachments. The feeling of well-being and satisfaction when our piece fits with someone else’s is quite apparent as is the discomfort when the pieces just don’t match. 

Photo Credit: Justin Henry

The nature of a jigsaw puzzle piece is that it sticks out in some places and also has voids to be filled by surrounding pieces. That reality dictates that if you put a square in to the mix of puzzle pieces, despite his perfection and smoothness he has no place among the jumble of his more unevenly shaped peers.

The protrusions and vacancies in the pieces are what enable a child to find the places where the puzzle pieces fit.

So too in our world. Our assets and deficiencies are what enable us to live with others. Your energetic protrusions fit well with my energetic vacancies and we develop a relationship. I have not gained anything by camouflaging all of the things that make me an individual rather I have only created a scenario where I can be discarded from social interaction because there is nothing to be done with me, I am a square piece.

Spontaneity is defined as “performed or occurring as a result of a sudden inner impulse or inclination…”. Practicing spontaneity is one of those things that help us show up as we are with our assets and deficiencies.

So just be yourself ;-)

Ok, that was so trite I almost got sick. I’ve heard that all my life and the cheerful suggestion always irritated me because I’ve never been quite sure who I am and so I am similarly not sure how to be myself. However, in spite of not really knowing what it means to “be yourself” it usually doesn’t take me too long to realize when I am doing something or thinking in a particular way which is not congruent with me. I can’t always say why that is but I can usually feel the negative vibe of when I’m being someone I’m not. 

Similarly I usually have some level of discomfort when I am not being or doing something that would be congruent with who I am.

This can all be boiled down in to one slightly uncomfortable question. When you are feeling uncomfortable with your own behavior, whether active or abstaining, ask yourself: why?

I challenge you to be brave and answer the question honestly but this means that you don’t stop at the first answer. Get your first answer but then apply the question of ‘why’ to that answer as well. Follow the trail down the rabbit hole and see what you find. I think you might find a key to accessing your spontaneity.

As usual, if you or someone you know would like to explore this further then give me a call. 303-803-4832

Best wishes for discovering your protrusions and vacancies.

Sincerely yours,

Ari Hoffman MA LPC

Creativity and The Failed Snowman

First, a note of apology: It has obviously been quite a while since I’ve posted or sent anything to you my dear reader. The prerequisites to my writing are inspiration and time. Both of these must be present or nothing happens at all. Most of you have probably heard that, with thanks to G-D, my family welcomed a new baby about 2 months ago. My son gives us much pride and pleasure however he takes a lot of time. I hope you enjoy this post.

My daughter Batya was the first to bring to my attention the article in the Wall Street Journal titled, Princess Bedrooms that Rule. She exclaimed to me one morning a few days ago, “Abba! Somebody spent $200,000 on a bedroom for a two year old! That’s crazy!”

I appreciate my daughter’s perspective on the world that she could see this without envy but with a sentiment similar to mine when I read the article, (that IS crazy!)

The newspaper was left in the bathroom and every time I passed by it I saw the picture of two little girls jumping on a very large and very pink bed with their smiling mother looking at the camera. When I read the whole article I was particularly intrigued by a statement from a father about the kind of bedroom he wanted for his daughters, he said “I just wanted to do something that would give them a sense of identity and excitement and to create a place for their imaginations.

The images and thoughts were percolating in my mind until one day while holding my son and trying to use the facilities at the same time (at around 6:00am) it occurred to me that one of two likely outcomes would result from creating such a lavish bedroom for a child. 1)That child would grow up to commit suicide or 2)The child would find and latch on to some sort of physically transcendent spirituality. The very wealthy are pretty easy to pick on and my gratitude goes out to them for this.

I mentioned this early morning insight to my wife and she naturally wanted an explanation for such dire predictions. I explained that it appears to me that people cannot sustain that level of utter physicality. This was therefore my prediction that the child growing up in this environment would eventually be so depressed by the lack of substance that she would either kill herself or commit to rising above physicality and finding those elements of life that transcend her princess themed bedroom with a castle.

I was also thinking about the statement of the gentleman who expressed concern about his daughters’ sense of identity and creativity.

He should have built them a little cabin in the woods.

In my experience, the creativity of children is stimulated by being in an environment full of opportunities but with no prescribed activities. Don’t get me wrong, playgrounds are great places to play and run around but if you really want to provide a blank slate for your child put them in an environment where they can explore their inner and outer world virtually unimpeded. Here are a few vehicles I have found that seem to promote expression of creativity particularly well: snow, sand, building blocks, water, and the wilderness (which often has all of the others).

I recently had an experience that helped solidify the aforementioned beliefs. First, a few weeks ago it snowed over the weekend in Denver and our family was in the house for most of over 24 hours. We were all getting a bit stir crazy and finally on Saturday night I realized I had to do something drastic. I told my two girls to get their snow stuff on and I threw them out of the house in to a very cold and snowy night. They were out there for over an hour trying (in vain because Denver usually has very dry snow) to make a snowman. Both girls were quite disappointed when I told them that it was time to come in. I was quite proud of them,

That is juxtaposed to the look I see on my daughters' faces after I have allowed them to watch a movie or t.v. show, even for 20 minutes. The eyes are glazed, psychomotor retardation sets in, and they are often irritable. Maybe that's just my kids though...

In sum, if you want your children to be creative then let them...but don't try to do it for them.

 Bill Watterson