3 Bravery Hacks you can do Today

Let’s start with a bit of a disclaimer:

I’m often scared.

Every. Single. Day.

I’m not talking to you from some Ivory Tower of Bravery and even if it existed I don’t think I’d like to be there, it sounds stuffy and not fun. 

As you’ll soon see, it’s not about not feeling scared…

I’ll illustrate the 3 ways to grow your bravery with 3 examples:

Source: IDA

First, Nelson Mandela. Mandela served 27 years of a life sentence for trying to overthrow the white, apartheid South African government. Mandela continued his work from prison pushing every day against the resistance of the entire white world from his jail guards to the top of the government.

I have seen Mandela’s cell and the prison yard where he spent much of his time, stark doesn’t come close to describing it. Mandela slept on a mat for most of those 27 years.  And then he got out and was elected president of South Africa.

Mandela's cell on Robben Island. Credit: Samantha Marx

Nelson Mandela said something very deep. “Bravery is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid but he who conquers that fear.”

When I get in a kayak my mouth goes dry and I have to pee. I get really scared. The last time I went kayaking I said this quote over and over to myself. It helped a lot.

Don’t wait until you’re not scared to do something. Not being scared is not a prerequisite for doing brave things in fact if you wait until you are totally confident you might be dead before that happens.

Be scared. Do that thing anyway.

The Chasm

Second, Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Indie is trying to find the Holy Grail to save his father’s life and he has to pass a number of tests. The final test finds Indiana next to a sculpture of a lion’s head at a stone doorway which steps out on to a drop of thousands of feet in to a deep chasm. 

The prompt for this test is “Only in the leap from the lion’s head will he prove his worth.” (I can hear Sean Connery saying this in my head. So awesome.) Professor Jones Sr. (played by Connery) yells in pain and Indie, with a contorted face expressing obvious terror and preparation for death, takes one step off the ledge…and on to the invisible bridge.

I’m not going to say something silly like there’s always a bridge when you take that first terrifying step because it’s not true. Sometimes you’ll take the step and you will fail and that failure will not be pleasant. Sometimes you have to take that step anyway. 

Just one step. 

Just one step toward your goal, toward something that is important to you.

And if you already took that step then take the next one. I find that sometimes the step I’m most hesitant/afraid to take is the very one that I really need to take.

So pick up your foot, make a terrified face like Indiana Jones, and…

STEP.

Third and finally, be an idiot. 

I am a particular fan of the new Alice in Wonderland with Johnny Depp. In one of the final scenes of the movie Alice is standing in front of the Jabberwocky holding the Vorpal Sword and she counts off the six impossible things ending with “I will slay the Jabberwocky.”

One of the particular things I appreciate about this scene is that even though she has the magic sword that the Jabberwocky feels threatened by she still has to do something incredibly brave to cut off the monster’s head.

You and I have that voice that says, “you will not succeed in your business, adventure, relationship, goal, etc. You are totally unrealistic. Why don’t you just not be an idiot? Sit down before you hurt yourself.”

While that voice is sometimes the embodiment of the wisdom that discretion is the better part of valor; on the other hand sometimes we just have to say, “I don’t care if I’m being an idiot, I’m going to do the impossible.”

Sometimes I have to just go for it even when it feels idiotic and impossible. And then when I’m successful I can do the futterwacken, maybe I’ll even do it if I fail...especially if I fail.

Here’s to bravery.

Want to work on your bravery in the face of trauma, challenging relationships, apathy, anything else? Click below and get in touch.
www.arihoffmantherapy.com

3 Ways to Grow Your Bravery - The Prologue

When beginning a private practice the wise psychotherapist will probably open up a few books to learn how to actually build said practice. In some places the old adage of them coming when you build it is probably true. Denver, CO, however is not one of those places. The Denver Metro area is saturated with therapists and a lot of them are very good.

If this entrepreneurial therapist is in Denver he is likely reading in the book about starting a private practice that it is important to choose a niche. The book will suggest something along the lines of: figure out your favorite client and/or that one theme that really gets your heart pounding, or the one topic or diagnosis that really makes you excited. And then use that information as the basis of developing your niche.

I have gone through this niche-finding process time and again, to no avail. This is not because I don’t have favorite clients (“I love all my clients equally”) or because no particular topic lights my proverbial menorah. No, it is because I am fascinated, enthralled, and enraptured by so many things and I thoroughly enjoy working with so many different types of clients – couples, families, parents, adults, adolescents…the list goes on. 

I have maintained a strong part time private practice since 2011 and experimented with assigning myself different niches at different times none of them fit and none really speak to my heart. I am well trained and experienced in working with kids, families, couples, trauma, teenagers, and more. My hobbies are airplanes and being in the wilderness. I like reading mystery novels and books about quantum physics. My favorite foods include pickles, barbeque chicken, and pizza with mustard (not usually all at once).

Creative Commons. Photo by Jeremy Keith

I thought about specializing in traumatized teenaged pizzas on airplanes flying in black holes (advertising slogan: “When your tomato sauce and cheese are being pulled in to separate dimensions, call Ari Hoffman”) but I felt this was a bit too specialized.

Over the course of the last few months as I prepare for full time private practice and business building I have been thinking again about this well-worn question. This time I got an answer. It’s not a population -  it covers almost all of them and it’s not a diagnosis – it’s beyond diagnoses but still relevant to most. The answer that came to me is bravery. I am passionate about bravery.

Spontaneity, I presume?

I was recently jones-ing for a fix of Benedict Cumberbatch in the show, “Sherlock”. I always feel smarter and more cunning after watching an episode of this screen tribute to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. As I was watching the show, I was trying to understand why I like it so much. I think the reason is, in part, because of Sherlock’s spontaneous and totally inconsiderate wit (I like the show, “House” as well, probably for the same reason.)

On the other hand, I have strong negative feelings toward the absolute lack of spontaneity exhibited by customer service representatives who read from a script. So negative, in fact, that images of heinous crimes seem to spontaneously float in to my head when I am talking to said representatives. It’s even worse when they can’t read well.

(I suppose it is ironic that both the things I enjoy and those I dislike are from a script. Feel free to analyze that and let me know what you come up with.)

The sociometric reality which we inhabit with the rest of humanity is like a jigsaw puzzle with infinite shapes, colors, pieces, and potential attachments. The feeling of well-being and satisfaction when our piece fits with someone else’s is quite apparent as is the discomfort when the pieces just don’t match. 

Photo Credit: Justin Henry

The nature of a jigsaw puzzle piece is that it sticks out in some places and also has voids to be filled by surrounding pieces. That reality dictates that if you put a square in to the mix of puzzle pieces, despite his perfection and smoothness he has no place among the jumble of his more unevenly shaped peers.

The protrusions and vacancies in the pieces are what enable a child to find the places where the puzzle pieces fit.

So too in our world. Our assets and deficiencies are what enable us to live with others. Your energetic protrusions fit well with my energetic vacancies and we develop a relationship. I have not gained anything by camouflaging all of the things that make me an individual rather I have only created a scenario where I can be discarded from social interaction because there is nothing to be done with me, I am a square piece.

Spontaneity is defined as “performed or occurring as a result of a sudden inner impulse or inclination…”. Practicing spontaneity is one of those things that help us show up as we are with our assets and deficiencies.

So just be yourself ;-)

Ok, that was so trite I almost got sick. I’ve heard that all my life and the cheerful suggestion always irritated me because I’ve never been quite sure who I am and so I am similarly not sure how to be myself. However, in spite of not really knowing what it means to “be yourself” it usually doesn’t take me too long to realize when I am doing something or thinking in a particular way which is not congruent with me. I can’t always say why that is but I can usually feel the negative vibe of when I’m being someone I’m not. 

Similarly I usually have some level of discomfort when I am not being or doing something that would be congruent with who I am.

This can all be boiled down in to one slightly uncomfortable question. When you are feeling uncomfortable with your own behavior, whether active or abstaining, ask yourself: why?

I challenge you to be brave and answer the question honestly but this means that you don’t stop at the first answer. Get your first answer but then apply the question of ‘why’ to that answer as well. Follow the trail down the rabbit hole and see what you find. I think you might find a key to accessing your spontaneity.

As usual, if you or someone you know would like to explore this further then give me a call. 303-803-4832

Best wishes for discovering your protrusions and vacancies.

Sincerely yours,

Ari Hoffman MA LPC

Bravery and the Girls

I had a couple of recent opportunities to learn about bravery: One in the therapy office and another at the pool in Glenwood Springs.

In the therapy office a 15 year old girl said to me, “I want to get off of my antidepressant medication.” I naturally asked why. She naturally answered, “because I don’t think I need it anymore.”

“This is an interesting kid”, I thought.

“Ok”, I said. “Let’s give it a go”. With a doctor in consultation we cut her med dosage in half and we scheduled to meet in a week. Before she left we talked about some of the protective measures to help prevent depression. One of those that we discussed was accomplishing something or learning something new. This young lady’s initiative to go off of her meds seems brave to me, and here’s another story about bravery.

My wife and I really enjoy taking our kids to Glenwood Springs. The drive there from Denver is beautiful and it’s a town with great history tucked right up against the red cliffs of the Colorado River. Occasionally when we go I will take the kids swimming in the hot springs pool. There are actually two pools, a small one which is quite hot and a larger one designed for swimming and playing that is more temperate. The larger pool has a diving board. I don’t swim much but I love diving boards, tons of fun. I asked my wife to watch the kids and I went to jump off the diving board. I did my jump, which probably hasn’t gotten much prettier than it was when I was 10 years old, I swam underwater for a ways and surfaced by the side of the pool. As I went to get out I saw an older man talking to a little girl, he was teaching her how to dive.

Immediately I felt a trigger go off. I think I have dived once or twice in my life and that was more than 20 years ago. I have always wanted to dive though and when I heard this man giving instructions I inched closer to listen.

“Put your hands together above your head and when you jump, kick your feet up.”

“I could to that.” I thought to myself. “I could dive.” The very thought scared me.

I climbed out of the water and stood at the water’s edge with the hairy toes of my non-cute feet curling over the side thinking, “it’s cute when a six year old does it, what is it when a 33 year old does it? Weird? Gross?”

As if I wasn’t already feeling a little odd I made it even worse when I raised my arms above my head in perfect imitation of an apprehensive 6 year old. Which is exactly how I felt. I almost put my arms back down when I realized how awkward this must look.

Let me take this opportunity to discuss bravery for a moment.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” I fully agree with this quote from Nelson Mandela and have had many experiences in my life that endorse it.

I thought about that idea as I was standing there at the pool, my bald forehead glistening in the late afternoon sun, and I jumped. My brain was a little slow on remembering the “kick up your feet” part but we got there eventually and I entered in to the water without endangering my internal organs with a belly flop.

In that moment my day changed a little bit. We were having a very nice time all day in Glenwood but then I accomplished something that scared me and that enhanced my day on a whole different dimension.

I know some people who, when asked how they are doing, answer, “I’m vertical.” Some people are joking, and some people, like a holocaust survivor I know, are quite serious.

People who struggle with depression are some of those people who can say, “I’m vertical”, and be truly appreciative of that reality.

So I told my 15 year old client that accomplishing something would help her with her depression now that she was taking the brave move of trying life without her meds.

And so I send this message to you, my dear and loyal readers (loyal because you’ve stayed with me even though I haven’t posted for a minute). When you are feeling like the spark isn’t there, try something that scares you a little bit. Accomplish something. Confront a fear. Learn something new. After you've done that, notice where you were before and where you are now, then celebrate it.

If you want more information on taking this step then give me a call. 303-803-4832 

or arihoffmanlpc@gmail.com

Very best wishes to you my dear readers.

Sincerely,

Ari Hoffman MA, LPC