What you really want to know about a psychotherapist

One might think that the most common question asked of a psychotherapist might be, “what was your wildest case?” If so I might answer with the story of the woman who enjoyed putting cream of wheat in her hair or the angry five year old who attacked a police officer.

Another question someone might ask of a therapist is “do you ever get really bored with your client’s problems?” If so I would answer that I’ve never been bored, I’ve had other reactions but I find people and how they deal with their problems fascinating and I’ve never been bored.

Photo Credit: Eamon Curry

No, the most common question I hear from friends about my job as a psychotherapist is, “how do you deal with hearing everybody’s problems?”

It’s a great question and an important one. It’s a question therapists are often asked when they are applying for a job which will likely be high stress. In that setting the question is changed to, “what do you do for self care?”

When I first started my career as a therapist I would say something really healthy and wholesome like, “I eat well and I exercise and sometimes I meditate.” There is some truth to that. I do try generally to eat well and I do exercise a bit, though certainly not enough, and I probably meditate once or twice per month even though I wish I did it more.

My honest answer to this common question is, “I don’t really know”. It depends on the day and how I’m feeling physically and mentally.

I’ve had more and less healthy coping mechanisms in my life but in general I do something that makes me feel good and when I’m being more healthy I engage in something I find beautiful and/or fun.

The less healthy stress relievers in my life have generally been food oriented. There was a time that on my way driving home from work I would stop at the grocery store and buy a jar of pickles and finish them by the time I got home about 20 minutes later. You can imagine my doctor was not particularly happy about this. I can proudly say that I haven’t done that in a long time but I do drink soda sometimes or buy a candy bar. Less healthy stuff also includes watching movies and playing video games. These are not inherently bad for me but I count them in the unhealthy category because I sometimes feel kind of grouchy afterward.

In the healthy category I include exercising but more as a prophylactic. It is somewhat rare that I will have a tough day and go for a walk or run to chill out afterward. However, I have noticed that I am a better therapist (and husband and father) in general when exercise is a normal part of my life. I feel the same way about sleep. Sometimes I listen to loud music and play the drums. Yes, this therapist is a drummer (sometimes I even wear a long hair wig so I can make believe I play for an early 80’s band). Even the healthy category includes eating but it’s something more nutritious than a jar of pickles. My wife makes many delicious foods and among my favorites are Israeli salad with tons of lemon juice and garlic salt (my mouth is watering already), and she also makes a wonderful hot & sour soup which is nothing short of brilliant.

So there you have it, you’ve been wondering how I could possibly handle listening to people’s pain and suffering all day and now you have a little more insight in to how it all works.

If you have more questions for a therapist send me an email and I will publish your question and answer anonymously so no one will know you asked it. I’ll do that right after I finish eating my pickles and watching Das Boot.

Spontaneity, I presume?

I was recently jones-ing for a fix of Benedict Cumberbatch in the show, “Sherlock”. I always feel smarter and more cunning after watching an episode of this screen tribute to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. As I was watching the show, I was trying to understand why I like it so much. I think the reason is, in part, because of Sherlock’s spontaneous and totally inconsiderate wit (I like the show, “House” as well, probably for the same reason.)

On the other hand, I have strong negative feelings toward the absolute lack of spontaneity exhibited by customer service representatives who read from a script. So negative, in fact, that images of heinous crimes seem to spontaneously float in to my head when I am talking to said representatives. It’s even worse when they can’t read well.

(I suppose it is ironic that both the things I enjoy and those I dislike are from a script. Feel free to analyze that and let me know what you come up with.)

The sociometric reality which we inhabit with the rest of humanity is like a jigsaw puzzle with infinite shapes, colors, pieces, and potential attachments. The feeling of well-being and satisfaction when our piece fits with someone else’s is quite apparent as is the discomfort when the pieces just don’t match. 

Photo Credit: Justin Henry

The nature of a jigsaw puzzle piece is that it sticks out in some places and also has voids to be filled by surrounding pieces. That reality dictates that if you put a square in to the mix of puzzle pieces, despite his perfection and smoothness he has no place among the jumble of his more unevenly shaped peers.

The protrusions and vacancies in the pieces are what enable a child to find the places where the puzzle pieces fit.

So too in our world. Our assets and deficiencies are what enable us to live with others. Your energetic protrusions fit well with my energetic vacancies and we develop a relationship. I have not gained anything by camouflaging all of the things that make me an individual rather I have only created a scenario where I can be discarded from social interaction because there is nothing to be done with me, I am a square piece.

Spontaneity is defined as “performed or occurring as a result of a sudden inner impulse or inclination…”. Practicing spontaneity is one of those things that help us show up as we are with our assets and deficiencies.

So just be yourself ;-)

Ok, that was so trite I almost got sick. I’ve heard that all my life and the cheerful suggestion always irritated me because I’ve never been quite sure who I am and so I am similarly not sure how to be myself. However, in spite of not really knowing what it means to “be yourself” it usually doesn’t take me too long to realize when I am doing something or thinking in a particular way which is not congruent with me. I can’t always say why that is but I can usually feel the negative vibe of when I’m being someone I’m not. 

Similarly I usually have some level of discomfort when I am not being or doing something that would be congruent with who I am.

This can all be boiled down in to one slightly uncomfortable question. When you are feeling uncomfortable with your own behavior, whether active or abstaining, ask yourself: why?

I challenge you to be brave and answer the question honestly but this means that you don’t stop at the first answer. Get your first answer but then apply the question of ‘why’ to that answer as well. Follow the trail down the rabbit hole and see what you find. I think you might find a key to accessing your spontaneity.

As usual, if you or someone you know would like to explore this further then give me a call. 303-803-4832

Best wishes for discovering your protrusions and vacancies.

Sincerely yours,

Ari Hoffman MA LPC

Creativity and The Failed Snowman

First, a note of apology: It has obviously been quite a while since I’ve posted or sent anything to you my dear reader. The prerequisites to my writing are inspiration and time. Both of these must be present or nothing happens at all. Most of you have probably heard that, with thanks to G-D, my family welcomed a new baby about 2 months ago. My son gives us much pride and pleasure however he takes a lot of time. I hope you enjoy this post.

My daughter Batya was the first to bring to my attention the article in the Wall Street Journal titled, Princess Bedrooms that Rule. She exclaimed to me one morning a few days ago, “Abba! Somebody spent $200,000 on a bedroom for a two year old! That’s crazy!”

I appreciate my daughter’s perspective on the world that she could see this without envy but with a sentiment similar to mine when I read the article, (that IS crazy!)

The newspaper was left in the bathroom and every time I passed by it I saw the picture of two little girls jumping on a very large and very pink bed with their smiling mother looking at the camera. When I read the whole article I was particularly intrigued by a statement from a father about the kind of bedroom he wanted for his daughters, he said “I just wanted to do something that would give them a sense of identity and excitement and to create a place for their imaginations.

The images and thoughts were percolating in my mind until one day while holding my son and trying to use the facilities at the same time (at around 6:00am) it occurred to me that one of two likely outcomes would result from creating such a lavish bedroom for a child. 1)That child would grow up to commit suicide or 2)The child would find and latch on to some sort of physically transcendent spirituality. The very wealthy are pretty easy to pick on and my gratitude goes out to them for this.

I mentioned this early morning insight to my wife and she naturally wanted an explanation for such dire predictions. I explained that it appears to me that people cannot sustain that level of utter physicality. This was therefore my prediction that the child growing up in this environment would eventually be so depressed by the lack of substance that she would either kill herself or commit to rising above physicality and finding those elements of life that transcend her princess themed bedroom with a castle.

I was also thinking about the statement of the gentleman who expressed concern about his daughters’ sense of identity and creativity.

He should have built them a little cabin in the woods.

In my experience, the creativity of children is stimulated by being in an environment full of opportunities but with no prescribed activities. Don’t get me wrong, playgrounds are great places to play and run around but if you really want to provide a blank slate for your child put them in an environment where they can explore their inner and outer world virtually unimpeded. Here are a few vehicles I have found that seem to promote expression of creativity particularly well: snow, sand, building blocks, water, and the wilderness (which often has all of the others).

I recently had an experience that helped solidify the aforementioned beliefs. First, a few weeks ago it snowed over the weekend in Denver and our family was in the house for most of over 24 hours. We were all getting a bit stir crazy and finally on Saturday night I realized I had to do something drastic. I told my two girls to get their snow stuff on and I threw them out of the house in to a very cold and snowy night. They were out there for over an hour trying (in vain because Denver usually has very dry snow) to make a snowman. Both girls were quite disappointed when I told them that it was time to come in. I was quite proud of them,

That is juxtaposed to the look I see on my daughters' faces after I have allowed them to watch a movie or t.v. show, even for 20 minutes. The eyes are glazed, psychomotor retardation sets in, and they are often irritable. Maybe that's just my kids though...

In sum, if you want your children to be creative then let them...but don't try to do it for them.

 Bill Watterson

If today was your last day.

“If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday?”  

Maynard Family/AP Photo

- Nickelback

By now most of us have read, seen, or heard about Brittany Maynard, the 29 year old woman who completed physician assisted suicide in light of a diagnosis of a severe brain tumor.

But this is not about physician assisted suicide nor is it about if she did the right thing. It’s not about death either. This is about life.

When Ms. Maynard heard about her diagnosis she chose to fulfill some of her bucket list items seemingly telling herself that while she still had time left in this world she committed to making it count by enjoying the world and spending time around people with whom she shared love. So too she posted on Facebook shortly before she died, “The world is a beautiful place, travel has been my greatest teacher, my close friends and folks are the greatest givers.”

Brittany Maynard chose to live her last days with intention.

In the Talmud it says that an evil person, even in life is called “dead”; and a righteous person, even in death is called “alive”. What’s the difference? How does one join the ranks of the righteous and avoid those of the evil?

The truth is that I don’t know. 

I can tell you this though… Love and beauty have a way of perpetuating themselves ad infinitum. So I would recommend if you want to associate yourself with something that will last long after you leave this world try love and beauty.

What would your life look like if you said, I realize I have a finite amount of time in this world I choose to live that time with intention toward love, beauty, and making my world a better place?

What would look different?

How much time would you spend on the computer or watching TV? How much time would you spend spreading love to your family, friends, and people you don’t even know? How much time would you spend protecting your ego? How much time would you spend looking at the beauty that surrounds you?

I am not for a moment suggesting that we all quit our jobs and start a commune. 

I am, however, suggesting that we increase, just a bit, the level of intention in our daily lives.

One of my favorite music videos is the song where the lyrics above come from, Nickelback's "If today was your last day" Check it out on youtube here.

Yours Truly,

Ari Hoffman MA LPC

Catharsis @ 12,000 ft

The following piece was inspired by a story I wrote a number of months ago called, "A Semi-epic on Rosalie Peak". Murray Nossel, of Two Men Talking, challenged me to rewrite it from 15 pages down to 2. I thought it would be impossible but I did it and what came out was a new creation altogether. Enjoy.

It’s 9:15 on a November evening in Denver, Colorado and I feel an urgent need to get out. I need to challenge myself in a way that makes me feel alive, vibrant, graceful, and strong. I need to go to the mountains. I gather my map, compass, extra clothes, and some food and I check the weather. There is a snow storm expected tomorrow evening but I’ll be back before that. My wife reminds me that my good friend’s son will be circumcised tomorrow and I must make it back for the party.

I was late getting to the trailhead of course but that is to be expected as I was alone and not beholden to anyone’s more sensitive approach to punctuality than my own. I had enough food, clothes, and first aid equipment to spend a couple days out in the wilderness. That was not my plan, however. My plan was to climb to 13,757 feet, the summit of Rosalie Peak, and then hurry back to Denver for my friend’s party.

I am walking. No. Hiking. Hoofing. Maybe they call it ‘hoofing’ because that’s the sound of my breathing as I continue higher and higher on this mountain trail. The hoofing is appropriate because the oxygen saturation here is noticeably lower than in Denver so I intentionally breathe as if I am hyperventilating. My stride is strong and consistent as I let the rhythm of one step at a time lull me in to a trance. The muscles in my body work in beautiful harmony as I climb foot after foot and mile after mile up the trail. This trail twists and turns, crosses streams, and goes up steep switchbacks. Periodically I stop and look around noticing landmarks and looking at the beautiful views. Each time I stop I am higher than the last time and I am rewarded by feeling accomplished and the sight of even more mountain peaks below me as I strive for the great height of this summit.

What is a trail? A trail is a defined path made by others who went down (or up) this same way. I have always been quite compelled to hike on the trail and not to leave it. I didn’t even consider leaving the trail as an option until I went hiking with a good friend who said, “Ari, let’s just walk straight and see what we find.” A few years later I found that facing my fears and going off the trail would be and still is requisite for my personal and spiritual growth.

Photo Credit: Ari Hoffman

In what areas of your life do you walk on the trail? Do you feel compelled to keep the trail even though there may be other opportunities if you try your own path? Do you have a friend or a therapist that can help you create your own trail?

After a couple hours I am at 12,000 feet above sea level and two thirds of the way up Rosalie Peak. Now I choose to fail. I learned about failure many years ago on a flight in to LaGuardia Airport during a storm. Instead of completing the landing, the pilot chose to abort and go around for another try. The lesson was that sometimes I have to let go of what I expect reality to look like and accept it for what it really is, i.e. not landing or in this case not summiting. I chose to turn around because not doing so would mean missing the party.

Where in your life would it be healthy to fail?

There is a moment in every fall I’ve taken where I let go and just wait to see what happens, it is both terrifying and peaceful. So too here as I slip on a patch of ice and suddenly I notice everything happening in slow motion: the pop in my left ankle, my right leg unnaturally high, the branches on the pine trees assuming on odd angle, and my body falling to earth.

The trapped feeling of being in crisis is like pushing against the tight corner of a box with the belief that if I push hard enough I’ll get out. Proactive thought is benched during a crisis and the reactive parts of our brain have full control of the field. What, in your life, gives you this feeling?

“How do people die in the wilderness? They die of shame” (Anthony Hopkins, The Edge). I am sitting in the dirt, my ankle feels wrecked, and there are six miles of dark and icy trail between me and my car. My internal prosecutor jumps at the opportunity and starts yelling at me, trying to shame me in to emotional paralysis and then death. I refuse. He forgot who signs his paycheck and I shut him up with a deep breath and a long look at the dusky beauty of my surroundings.

Does it ever feel like your internal prosecutor is running the show? Whose voice is it that you hear shaming you? Next time he or she starts yelling try looking at something beautiful or funny or interesting. Never abdicate.

Place the hiking poles. Test the stability. Step. Place the poles. Test. Step. Place the poles. Test. Step. I take a moment to wiggle my toes to make sure the ace bandage is not wrapped too tight. I look around twice. Once to notice how dark it’s getting and the second time to notice the beauty. I am being pragmatic about the darkness but refusing abdication to panic and shame by focusing on beauty. The hours go by and I get in to a rhythm. Poles. Step. Poles. Step. Poles. Step. Poles. Step. It’s getting really dark. Poles. Step. Poles. Step. I wonder what’s wrong with my ankle. Poles. Step. Poles. Step. I can hardly see anything now. Step. Poles. Step. Ha ha, my friend’s party is happening as we speak and I’ve still probably got another two hours on the trail. Poles. Step. Poles. Step. Beauty. Pain. Beauty. Pain. Beauty. Pain. Deep breaths. Poles. Step.

I strongly consider asking G-D to save me but then I realize this is an opportunity, not for begging, but for thanks. So I thank G-D for giving me the passion for the wilderness and the interest in the study of survival psychology so that I have the tools to get through this challenge.

I’m lost. I know I’m near the car but in the darkness of night I have missed a turn. I know this because the trail, my beloved trail, has ended. I’m lost. Brilliant. I stop.

I often hike at night and sometimes I feel afraid. I have noticed that when I feel that fear I walk more quickly and then I feel more fear. So I force myself to stop, take a deep breath, and look around. The fear dissolves. What causes you fear and then what causes you more fear? What is your antidote?

I have two options now and both are reasonable. I could stop and go to sleep here. I would make a fire, put on some more warm clothes and go to sleep with my head on my backpack. I am tired anyway and I’m sure I’ll find my way to the car in the morning light. Or, I could back track to where I missed the turn and risk getting more lost. I choose option two out of consideration for my wife and 10 minutes later I am touching the hood of my car. My grateful smile warms the night.

Tight Spots and Good Babies

The fog swirled around them rendering sight impossible except for their immediate vicinity which was a steep slope covered with large rocks and scree. To the left and to the right were not options and they were stuck. The small ledge at 13,500 feet which was now their reality seemed to shrink as fear grew. The two men on a day trip up a 14’er in Colorado now found themselves trapped and desperate to get down to the safety and warmth of the car and then to the comforting embrace of home and family. But today that was not to be. Rain began and then hail soon after and as they got colder they thought more and more about how to get down. Finally one of them said, “forget it, let’s just try to hike down” but he was stopped by his partner who explained that it just seemed too dangerous. As the fog cleared they saw a Search and Rescue group at the bottom of the mountain and again they were compelled to climb down but did not because it seemed impossible. 

These two gentlemen were looking for a challenging day hike and chose to climb a 14’er whose trail started about 2 hours west of Denver, CO. They climbed hard and reached the summit with satisfaction and pride in their hard work. They had lunch and then using the clear cell phone reception they texted pictures of themselves with miles of mountains in the background. They left the peak to return to the car in high spirits but within 30 minutes of their departure they were lost. After climbing back and forth they realized that they needed help and eventually Search and Rescue reached them and helped them off the mountain. They did so by climbing with the two men back to the top and then having attained the trail, they followed it down, reaching the car at about 3:00am.

Photo Credit: Paul Kehrer

I had the opportunity to speak with one of the men who endured this adventure and he told me simply, “it never occurred to us to return to the top and try to find the trail”.

Tight spots are exactly that, “tight”. They feel limiting, narrow, and seemingly without options.

Often, however, the thing we need to do is the one thing we don’t consider and there are many reasons for this.

One reason is because it’s scary. I don’t consider all of my options, I only consider the options that feel safe or not scary to me. By limiting my considerations I have also limited my options because I might be throwing a potentially good “baby” option out with my bad “bathwater” options. By allowing myself to consider all options I can at least consider them and maintain some space in this tight spot.

Another reason I might not consider an option is because it doesn’t fit with my goals or my vision of what the future should look like. This was the case for our two friends on the mountain. They had a vision in their minds of being at the car. Naturally, the only way to do this was to figure out a way to go down. It never occurred to them that to go down they might have to go up again.

A final reason that an option may not occur to me is because it represents failure. Sebastian Junger, in his fascinating book, “The Perfect Storm”, postulates that one of the factors that led to the “Andrea Gail” being lost at sea was their compulsion to get in to a particular port so they could “set the market” on swordfish. One possible option was for them to stay where they were and wait for the storm to pass. If they had done so then the fish they had caught would rot and they would have returned as failures.

In order for success to occur, failure must always be an option.

We don’t have to be in the middle of an ocean or climbing a 14’er to feel boxed in. Tight spots exist in abundance in relationships with our partners, friends, children, bosses, etc. Tight spots can also easily be found in our own personal development journey.

I urge you, dear reader, when you next find yourself in a tight spot take a moment to step away and consider ALL of your options, even those ones you are scared to let in to your mind. You don’t have to do those options that seem wrong to you but it helps widen your spot on that ledge when you at least consider them.

As most of you know, I am a therapist. Part of my job is to identify ways that you can make your ledge a little wider and to help you find more options and possibilities in your personal and relational growth. Give me a call and we’ll talk about it.

Finally, I would bet that each of you knows at least one person who could benefit from reading this blogletter. Send it on to them, they’ll appreciate it and so will you.

Best wishes to you on considering all the possibilities,

Ari Hoffman MA, LPC

303-803-4832

arihoffmanlpc@gmail.com

Bravery and the Girls

I had a couple of recent opportunities to learn about bravery: One in the therapy office and another at the pool in Glenwood Springs.

In the therapy office a 15 year old girl said to me, “I want to get off of my antidepressant medication.” I naturally asked why. She naturally answered, “because I don’t think I need it anymore.”

“This is an interesting kid”, I thought.

“Ok”, I said. “Let’s give it a go”. With a doctor in consultation we cut her med dosage in half and we scheduled to meet in a week. Before she left we talked about some of the protective measures to help prevent depression. One of those that we discussed was accomplishing something or learning something new. This young lady’s initiative to go off of her meds seems brave to me, and here’s another story about bravery.

My wife and I really enjoy taking our kids to Glenwood Springs. The drive there from Denver is beautiful and it’s a town with great history tucked right up against the red cliffs of the Colorado River. Occasionally when we go I will take the kids swimming in the hot springs pool. There are actually two pools, a small one which is quite hot and a larger one designed for swimming and playing that is more temperate. The larger pool has a diving board. I don’t swim much but I love diving boards, tons of fun. I asked my wife to watch the kids and I went to jump off the diving board. I did my jump, which probably hasn’t gotten much prettier than it was when I was 10 years old, I swam underwater for a ways and surfaced by the side of the pool. As I went to get out I saw an older man talking to a little girl, he was teaching her how to dive.

Immediately I felt a trigger go off. I think I have dived once or twice in my life and that was more than 20 years ago. I have always wanted to dive though and when I heard this man giving instructions I inched closer to listen.

“Put your hands together above your head and when you jump, kick your feet up.”

“I could to that.” I thought to myself. “I could dive.” The very thought scared me.

I climbed out of the water and stood at the water’s edge with the hairy toes of my non-cute feet curling over the side thinking, “it’s cute when a six year old does it, what is it when a 33 year old does it? Weird? Gross?”

As if I wasn’t already feeling a little odd I made it even worse when I raised my arms above my head in perfect imitation of an apprehensive 6 year old. Which is exactly how I felt. I almost put my arms back down when I realized how awkward this must look.

Let me take this opportunity to discuss bravery for a moment.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” I fully agree with this quote from Nelson Mandela and have had many experiences in my life that endorse it.

I thought about that idea as I was standing there at the pool, my bald forehead glistening in the late afternoon sun, and I jumped. My brain was a little slow on remembering the “kick up your feet” part but we got there eventually and I entered in to the water without endangering my internal organs with a belly flop.

In that moment my day changed a little bit. We were having a very nice time all day in Glenwood but then I accomplished something that scared me and that enhanced my day on a whole different dimension.

I know some people who, when asked how they are doing, answer, “I’m vertical.” Some people are joking, and some people, like a holocaust survivor I know, are quite serious.

People who struggle with depression are some of those people who can say, “I’m vertical”, and be truly appreciative of that reality.

So I told my 15 year old client that accomplishing something would help her with her depression now that she was taking the brave move of trying life without her meds.

And so I send this message to you, my dear and loyal readers (loyal because you’ve stayed with me even though I haven’t posted for a minute). When you are feeling like the spark isn’t there, try something that scares you a little bit. Accomplish something. Confront a fear. Learn something new. After you've done that, notice where you were before and where you are now, then celebrate it.

If you want more information on taking this step then give me a call. 303-803-4832 

or arihoffmanlpc@gmail.com

Very best wishes to you my dear readers.

Sincerely,

Ari Hoffman MA, LPC